i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
