btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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