why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
