her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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