Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
