i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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