We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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