Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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