70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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