Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
