Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
