you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
