I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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