i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
