I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
