After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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