I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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