just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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