so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
