I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
