I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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