As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
