Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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