I am in a vortex of obligation.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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