Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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