UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
