I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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