He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize