I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
