I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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