Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You pole danced in your parka.
I just had sex on a roof
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
