Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
