if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
