so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
