I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Randomize
