I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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