She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
