you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
