I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
