Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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