my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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