i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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