I want to walk on stilts...naked
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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