At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
All I want is dick and wine.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
