I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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