I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
