my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I've blown a few things in my day
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Randomize
