Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
