I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
