There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
