And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
