if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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