Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
