I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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