i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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