Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Randomize