This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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