I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
