I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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